In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
