Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
