Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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