U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
