dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
