I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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