im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
