Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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