when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize