apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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