my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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