Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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