well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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