This is not my ceiling
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it's like heaven, but drunker
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
