Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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