Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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