do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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