I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
