You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
