I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
