So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
