my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
