I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
