I'm going to jail i love you
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
