Screwed.edu
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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