My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize