even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
