at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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