I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
