every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
