I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
