oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
