At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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