Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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