Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
