peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
