My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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