It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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