phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
