I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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