Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
