pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
