you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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