Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
