I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
