you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
