dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
