Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
