mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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