I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
