I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize