white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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