he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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