I'm sorry my penis didn't work
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
