if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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