I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my phone needs a breathalizer
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Text me some of your sweat
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