Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize