One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
